Section 1: Under The Weight of my Crush
Chapter 1
Speechless
Have you ever had an out of body experience? It’s like you are an observer seeing yourself from a close distance. Some people experience it when they’re frightened or have a traumatic encounter. For others it’s some type of surreal experience. It’s not often that a person has an out of body experience, however for me, it was an all too familiar experience, because of Chido.
You see, whenever I saw her, I froze like King T’Challa. She had the power to render my basic motor functions useless. She overwhelmed my nervous system hence me always being nervous around her. I couldn’t handle just her presence, and to make it worse, I always said the darnest things. Thinking about it now I still feel embarrassed. If you were there seeing it like I was seeing myself you would get second hand embarrassment. It was that bad. But who was Chido?
Chido was a lovely, lovely girl who lived in Kuwadzana, 30 minutes walking distance from where I lived. She also had relatives in my neighborhood and we were in the same circuit so we saw each other frequently. She didn’t always make me feel that way, it had a beginning. For you to understand when it started, you have to know a little bit about me.
Growing up, I never had much of male influence. My father passed away when I was 3, and I was the last born in family of 5. 2 girls and 3 boys. By the time I grew up all my brothers had moved out, followed by my sister Alicia. So for the greater part of my formative years it was just me and my mother. One of the effects of a lack of male influence, like that of brothers was that I didn’t know how to approach girls. While my schoolmates were busy chasing girls during the O Levels I was busy watching TV or writing poetry. I did try to befriend other guys in my congregation, and Ngoni was one of them. Now by then I was doing form 3. Here’s where our story starts: Ngoni had always been talking about girls. He was actively pursuing and dating them. So naturally my mind started to think the same. So I asked him some tips on what I could say to girls. “Tell her she’s gorgeous.” He said. Which girl would I call gorgeous now? Just randomly I thought out loud, “What about Chido?” Ngoni agreed with me that Chido was a pretty girl. It didn’t matter that she was his distant relative. So in a matter of minutes, I decided my girlfriend was going to be Chido. I had chosen well for she was a beautiful girl no doubt. Little did I know I had set sail for stormy waters.
I went all in, called her one of the days after a convention. Proposed to her in English as I didn’t know how to express myself in Shona. It wasn’t as good as I expected it to be. I didn’t give up. I started chatting with Chido on Facebook, and I kept the communication going. Then I was in form 4, and I tried again. It was disastrous. By then I was friends with Andre, Kevin and Mike. Andre kept feeling the second hand embarrassment on my behalf and told me to get a girl of my type. According to him, Chido was too beautiful and she wouldn’t go for me. Confident guys with Volkswagen Golfs were going after her. I didn’t even have a car. I wasn’t confident. What a boost of confidence! But I didn’t give up. To Andre I was stubborn.
Back at school, my poetry started gravitating towards love, because I thought I was in love. Some other guys faced peer pressure to date, but I didn’t, because everyone who read my poetry thought I had a girlfriend. Chido’s house was along the way home, and each and every time I walked home I would just pass by her place. I wouldn’t get in or greet anyone. I just hoped to catch a glimpse of her, which in 2 years of walking by happened only once. And after I saw a glimpse of her I quickly walked past before she could see me. I was a coward.
Fast forward to 2013, I went back to her again and proposed again. This time I was using pick up lines I had Googled on the internet. Bad idea! It didn’t work. I don’t recommend it at all! Towards the end of 2013 I tried again using corny lines from movies. I still cover my face with a palm when I think about that. Once again Chido gave me a karate kick away. This time I went back, stopped communicating with her through calls or online. By the way most of the times she wouldn’t pick my calls. Figures anyway.
I finally understood why they call it a crush. I felt like my heart was being crushed every time she rejected me.
So I got realistic. I studied what typical women like, and I saw that they wanted a gentleman, they wanted chivalry and romance. From the start of 2014 I sought to be more of a man Chido would fall head over heels for. I changed my wardrobe, made it more British. I abandoned the corny pick up lines and stopped asking for tips from other guys. I became more smart, shoes always shining, clothes always ironed, and a slim necktie always tied. Naturally girls in my congregation started noticing and I started getting attention. But my mind was still fixated on Chido. One of the girls who persisted was Ariel. She had a huge crush on me, as huge as my crush on Chido was. She was a pretty girl, but as you know, love is blind. I didn’t see all of that. So I didn’t respond to her in a way she wanted. I would run away from her, ignore some calls, and let her down.
Andre and Kevin were baffled. To them I was never going to be with a girl. Why? I was running away from a girl who really wanted me, chasing after a girl who borderline despised me. I received many lectures from Andre concerning Chido and Ariel. But I was stubborn. I didn’t listen. I wasn’t going to give up on Chido. Towards April 2014, I finally put my plan in effect. I called it the Schlieffen Plan. I still remembered vividly studying about how Germany invaded France through Poland during the first World War. It was a brilliant plan that worked perfectly. I admired the genius behind it. To me my quest for Chido’s love and affection was a war. All the times she kicked me away rejecting me were lost battles, but the war was far from over. I still had a fighting chance to win the war eventually. My mindset had changed. To me Chido was no longer a goddess. She was now a target. I was no longer a boy, I was now a man. I was no longer afraid, for I now was oozing confidence. I even told Mike that I had a plan. If that plan wouldn’t work for some reason, I wasn’t going to ever bother Chido again. All the while Chido thought I had finally learnt my lesson and given up on her, but no! I was planning an ambush. A Schlieffen Plan.
The plan had a theme, The Best or Nothing. So first on the list, buy chocolates first. Not just any chocolates, Ferrero Rochér Chocolates from Italy. I bought a whole case of them. Strangely, I had never ever tasted them but I bought them for Chido. Then I needed roses, but then I thought no, that would be overkill. Just one rose would do. I went to Africa Unity Square where farmers sell their flowers and bought one red rose 🌹. I then went to a gift shop and bought golden wrapping paper and a gift bag which had ‘Hugs & Kisses’ written on it. And then my letter, oh the love letter. I wrote it, and designed it. I went to a stationery shop and bought a special kind of paper. It was thick, with golden rose patterns and was scented. I wrote my letter and designed the fonts and palettes in Corel Draw. Then I went with my special paper to the print shop, with my designed letter converted to PDF format in my thumb drive and had it printed. The guys at the print shop were in awe at the beauty of words, the font and the paper. It was beautiful. I knew I was on the verge of a new frontier.
I went back to the office, wrapped up the chocolates and letter then put them in the Hugs and Kisses gift bag along with the rose. Who would be my Poland now? I had to get to the beautiful city of Paris in France to find Amóur. Precious would be my Poland. She was Chido’s niece and they lived together. I called her and asked for a favour from her. She accepted. Then we met at 17 Shanda house along Park Street in Harare. When I walked into the floor which was used as a saloon by then, all the women started smiling and looking at me. Here was this fine and handsome young man holding a Hugs and Kisses gift bag. “Who’s the lucky girl?” They kept asking. I just smiled and waved. Precious was pleasantly surprised. She too thought I had given up on Chido. She was even more surprised I was capable of doing what I had done. She promised she would give Chido the package. Then I went back to the office. I was now at peace. I had done what I set out to do. Whatever the outcome, I would be okay with it. At least I would have a clear conscience knowing I tried my level best. I felt proud of what I had done. Two hours passed, then I received a call.
Coolnificent 